The Wedding of Yudit and Matt – The Best Man’s Speech
Matthew and Yudit, Ladies and Gentlemen, Family and Friends. It is my pleasure to be here today on the day of Matthew and Yudit’s wedding and to have been asked to say a few words. This afternoon there is just one speech, but and number of duties to perform, and I am taking the liberty of making two toasts, so make sure your glasses are full.
My first duty is not a happy one. As most, if not all, of you know – the wedding preparations were overshadowed by the tragic death of Joseph Collard, Yudit’s father and Miriam’s husband. After a long and painful struggle, following an unfortunate accident, he succumbed to his injuries a few weeks ago. I am sure we all sincerely hope that he is now in a place of peace and happiness. (To Yudit) I am sure that your father would be very proud of you today and pleased for your future with Matthew.
On a day of joy like today, we should allow ourselves a moment to remember those who, for whatever reason, cannot be with us.
Please be upstanding and raise your glasses for the first toast – “To absent friends.”
My second duty is a more traditional one. It is my pleasure to thank the bridesmaids for their part in the proceedings. May I say how beautiful the both look. Of course I am quite biased but I can assure you the the complement is completely objective.
I must also acknowledge the efforts of all those who helped in any way in preparing the wedding on on the big day itself. Particular thanks should go to Ian and David for the chauffeuring; Simon for photography; Anne for the button holes and Rabbi Kraft for the ceremony. Most importantly, thank you to both mothers, without whom there would have been no bride or groom and no wedding.
My third and most important duty is to say a few words about the groom before toasting the happy couple. I am never sure whether this part of the speech is for the benefit of the bride, who should know the groom as well as anyone, or for everyone else. However, I shall share the following information about Matthew with you all, just in case.
I feel I am well qualified to talk about Matthew, as I can safely say that I have known him all his life. I can hardly compress the 28 years of Matthew’s life into a few minutes, instead I will concentrate of a few themes that stand out and deserve closer attention.
One quality of Matthew that may not be immediately apparent is his ability to survive adversity and, in particular, to survive injuries. His first brush with danger came when he was merely a baby. I was a couple of years older (in fact, I still am) and I was a mischievous and inquisitive toddler. I was determined to see if I could dismantle Matthew’s pram. I was not too concerned that Matthew was in the pram at the time. Fortunately, no harm was done – at least, not to the pram.
A few years later, we were playing in the back of the car with an old Krook-Lock. Unfortunately I was a bit too rough and closed the lock rapidly – removing the skin from the tips of several of Matthew’s fingers.
On another occasion, we were again playing, this time with an umbrella. At this point, you might notice a certain pattern emerging. One thrust later and Matthew was once more a victim to his older brother. One inch lower and he might still be singing soprano.
I may not always have been the best influence on the growing Matthew. When he was barely two, I taught him to climb up the tall bookcase as home and sit on the top – Mum was not too keen on that party trick.
Despite all these incidents or, perhaps, because of them, Matthew developed an interest in rock-climbing which he pursued at school and, later, at Lancaster University. This pass-time was almost cut short by a fall. The fall left him with an arm that was broken but a spirit that was very much intact.
Another feature of Matthew’s childhood was his unconventional and sometimes bizarre attitude to food. He is not a bad cook, particularly when it comes to cakes and puddings, and makes a very good Baked Alaska, which is no mean feat.
When he was younger, he was a rather faddish eater – turning green at the sight of vegetables but, fortunately for Yudit, not at the sight of vegetarians.
He was also not very keen on eggs. Mum, however, was determined that we should eat eggs and went to extraordinary lengths to get Matthew to eat them. This is how, one day, Matthew was presented with a pancake that was, in fact, a plain omelette liberally dusted with sugar. The deception worked and Matthew’s pancakes were served regularly for at least a year before the truth was revealed.
Believing omelettes are pancakes is one thing, but Matthew’s belief regarding Kendal Mint Cake is another thing altogether… We were on Scout Camp in the Lake District, so needless to say, a considerable amount of Kendal Mint Cake was consumed. One day, somebody made a seemingly harmless observation that Mint Cake resembled a natural substance in plentiful supply. Somehow this evolved into an elaborate hoax involving the whole Scout troop (except Matthew) and the Scout leaders. We put on a cookery demonstration involving a camp fire, billy cans, spring water, mint essence and masterful sleight-of-hand. At the end of the camp, Matthew remained convinced that Kendal Mint Cake was largely made out of quartz rock. In a display of intuition, he filled his rucksack with quartz before returning to London. He was only put out of his misery when he asked to make some of his own mint cake using a pressure cooker.
I’m sure that Matthew is not so gullible any more – but I’ll leave Yudit to decide how best to put this to the test.
Fortunately Matthew has a much healthier appetite these days. Last year, he and Yudit went to Cadbury World. They returned with a commemorative plaque made of chocolate and inscribed with the names “Sqwidgums and Scwumptious”. I have yet to establish which of them is Sqwidgums and who is Scwumptious.
As you all know, Matthew’s main interest is in computers and everything to do with them. This interest dates back to when he was very young and his favourite toy was a robot-like doll which had a head, arms and legs that unscrewed. Mum informs me that two of his first words were Baby Bots – the name of the toy.
Matthew joined computer clubs inside and outside school and took Computer Science at University. He seemed destined for a career in computing, but NO. Instead he tried his hand at teaching but soon found that children, unlike computers, cannot be relied upon to stay in one place or do what they are told.
After that brief hiatus, Matthew found himself a career in Information Technology and I believe that he is very good at it, although I no longer understand a word he says.
There was some concern amongst his close family and friends that Matthew was spending so much time with computers that he would ultimately end up marrying one when it became legalised. Luckily for Yudit, his priorities have changed. Computers still remain a big part of his life, and there are more computers than people in his house.
Of course, Matthew did not always want to work with computers. When he was little there were two things he wanted to be when he grew up. One was to be a nurse, which was not a popular profession for a man in the 1970’s, but probably related to the amount of contact that he had with hospitals at that time. This ambition eventually passed,
His other ambition was to be a superhero. In particular, he wanted to be Superman. He looked quite fetching in the cape and leggings that Mum made for him. He also liked Dr Who and his prized possession was his Dr Who action figure, modelled on Tom Baker of course, when most other children of his age were still firmly rooted behind the sofa. This interest in superheroes and science fiction has proved mare enduring. Matthew and Yudit share an interest in all aspects of science fiction and fantasy, including Red Dwarf, Terry Pratchett, Star Wars and Star Trek to name but a few.
It is in recognition of this common passion for science fiction that Helen and I have arranged a special present for you. As of today, there is a star in the constellation Lyra, The Harp, named in your honour. It is a very distant star and not very bright – neither of these attributes having anything to do with either of you. It’s just that all the closer, brighter stars already have names. We were very tempted to call the star “Sqwidgums and Scwumptious”, cided a better name would be simply “Matthew and Yudit”.
To us, Matthew and Yudit, you are both brightly shining stars and I pray that you light up each others lives for many years to come.
Ladies and gentlemen, family and friends, please be upstanding for our second and final toast – to the Bride and Groom – “TO MATTHEW AND YUDIT”.